Loss of Innocence

Growing up in Bangladesh, one thing I was scared of were thieves. I used to hear stories from family members, neighbors - how someone broke into their houses late at night (or in broad daylight if no one was home) and took clothes, food, toys - what not. I remember, I used to wake up at night and would be terrified to open my eyes thinking, what if I open my eyes and see a thief in the room with me! What am I going to do! I also have this vivid memory of waking up one morning to a lot of shouting from outside. Our watchman had captured a thief who was trying to get into the kitchen at the middle of the night. He was tied up in the front yard of my Grandfather's house. As was customary, he probably got beaten up by the watchman and then let go. After all, everyone understood why someone would come to steal from your house - they were dirt poor. To a small child though, that was incomprehensible and they were some sort of monster to be scared of. Watching "Top of the Lake" on Netflix the other night, I was reminded of this memory.

The story of "Top of the Lake" revolves around Tui - a 12 year old who tries to kill herself because she is pregnant. While the police department tries to figure out who the father of the child is, the town unravels around pedophiles, gang rape drugs, teenagers being introduced to free drugs so their addiction can later be used to lure them into prostitution. It was very disturbing. While I really enjoyed the acting, the cinematography, I was also really shaken to the core by this award winning mini-series.

My childhood was so much simpler in a way - all I had to be worried about were thieves. Nowadays, kids had to be warned about so many things! Now that I have Zoya, anytime I see any news or movies about little girls, I just want to break down and cry. I don't ever want her to experience any of the modern day monsters. It’s not just thieves nowadays - it's random people with guns, pedophiles, random people with crazy ideas in their heads, terrorists, drugs. What would I not give to live in a world where little girls stay innocent longer; they play with their friends out in the backyard without being worried about some stranger abducting them; they walk over to the community pool without being followed by some creep in a van (that happened in our neighborhood); where they hang out at the mall with their with their friends without worrying about losing their life because a random person decides to show up with a gun.

And little boys are not excluded either. You can't send them to any activates without worrying about what they are being exposed to. It’s not just the drugs, guns that you worry about, there's also Peer Pressure, Bullying to worry about. What were innocent rituals of growing up, have now turned into weapons of destruction. I crave the innocence of my childhood for my kids, I try to protect them as much as I can, but then I wonder by sheltering them, am I preparing them to face the world out there.

Dear Amanda Berry

I apologize on behalf of all decent human beings for the last 10 years of your life. However you look at it - 10 years/120 months/3650 days/87,600 hours/5256000 minutes/315,360,000 seconds - it's f*ing long time! I can’t begin to think the horror you went through. Ever since you kicked your way out the door and into our hearts, I have been obsessively reading every article I can find online. What a nightmare this must have been for you three! I can’t even think about you without tearing up. With a daughter of my own, I am trying to make sense out of this nonsense. How do I teach her to not trust anybody yet to keep trust in the goodness around us? How do I teach her to fight back in the face of adversity without losing hope? How do I teach her to have faith in herself when she doubts herself? How as a mother do I protect her from crazies out there? I can’t keep her in a bubble for long, though I sure would like to try. How do I let her go out there when I am scared of unknowns myself. I hope someday, I can tell her your story and show her after all that monster did to you, he couldn't break you down! What a lovely soul you are! Your courage makes me proud, your smiling face brings me hope that you will be ok. I pray life brings you ONLY happiness from today onward. Stay strong! Take care of yourself and know we are all very, very proud of you.

I'm Spanish

We went to an indian restaurant for dinner the other day. Below is a conversation that happend in there:
Raffae: Look mommy, indian people! (He was pointing to a painting on the wall)
Me: Yes Raffae. You are indian too! Actually you are Bangladeshi.
Raffae: No!!!!! I am English!
Me: No Raffae. You are from Bangladesh too just like mommy and daddy.
Raffae: You are not from Bangladesh!
Me: I am!
Raffae: No you are not!
Me: What do you think I am, Raffae?
Raffae: You are spanish.

If my own son thinks I am Spanish, I must be. I am also worried about my parenting skills! Is he too young to understand all these (He is 4) or am I not teaching him enough about his ethnicity?

Motherhood

Motherhood is funny. Without even realizing what you are getting into, you get into this unconditional relationship with someone for life! I was up to my neck at work when my mom called this morning. I answered the phone and before she could say anything, I heard Raffae crying in the background. I was instantly snapped out of my work mode into my mommy mode. I had a feeling this morning that he is going to have a rough day today. We enrolled him for swimming lessons at the community pool. He has been going to the pool every day for an hour or so and as a result comes back home dead tired. We dragged him to the mall with us last night after he came back from his swimming lesson and by the time we came back home, he was so tired he went to sleep right away. This morning, he woke up cranky and I suspect he is still tired. My mom said she has tried everything that normally cheers him up, but all he wants today is his mommy!!! My poor baby! I broke my decision of not giving him any of his birthday presents before his birthday and told my mom to give him one of the board games I got him. Hopefully that will keep him busy till mommy gets home with loads of hugs and kisses (not the candy, real hugs and kisses!). As for my work load, since my attention is pretty much shot for the day, I'll be playing Scrabble with my Facebook buddies for the rest of the day!

Raffae

Raffae wrote his name and Zoya's name without any help or guidance the other day!!!!!! Keep in mind he is only three and a half years old!!!! Couple of weeks ago, I noticed he is trying to spell anything and everything. We got him some books and things where he could trace the letters. As you can see he has been practicing diligently!! I am sooooooo proud of him! My baby is growing up so fast!

Proud Mommy

Raffae was watching Shrek 2 over the weekend. He used to watch it a lot when he was lot younger. I guess he forgot the story or was just too young to follow the storyline earlier. At the end, when Shrek takes the potion and turns into a human, he kept saying “Mommy, where is Shrek?”, “Oh no! Shrek is gone”, “Mommy, we need to find Shrek”. I was doing other stuff and wasn’t really looking at him when I was trying to explain to him that Shrek just looks different, but he is still very much there. The last thing he said to me was “Mommy, we have to fix it!!!!!” and then … I heard a sob!!! I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. I asked him ofcourse why he was crying and that just opened the floodgate!!!!!!!!!! He was soooooo very upset. He was crying uncontrollably! My mom came downstairs thinking he got hurt. Both my mom and my mother-in-law always say that Raffae is very kind hearted (“Or mon ta khub norom”). I know he gets attached to people very quickly. But this was still so unexpected. I was proud of him that he cares so much for others. At the same time I was worried thinking life would be cruel to him. He will get hurt a lot by being so sensitive.

Failure as a mother

Within a matter of an hour, one person called me a "lazy mother", then another said I'm "impatient". And then a third comment pretty much said I'm an incompetent mother. Let me just go die somewhere.

Full of contradictions

I am muslim. I was never that religious, but I was very conscious of the fact on September 11, 2001. Sure I've seen war pictures on TV and Newspapers, read about Palestine and Israel, Iran and Iraq war growing up, but never was I effected by all these atrocities directly. This time it was my adopted country that was getting hit. Buildings where my friends work were crumbling down in front of my eyes on the Television. For the first time in my life, I was watching the power of hatred unfold in front of me. I still couldn't understand how can you hate someone so much that you would be prepared to do so much damage to innocent people, let alone kill yourself. I just couldn't grasp the idea. The fact that these attackers were muslim was not helping me either. I remember I came home, sat in front of the TV all day, watching numbly all the devastation. In between, I was trying to call all my friends in New York to make sure they were ok.

All the memories came back to me today when I heard a story on NPR this morning. This gentleman lost his Fiance on 9/11. He was narrating what he felt like with her, what he learnt from her. At the end he said he would be in love with her forever and he will see her again in heaven. He said "I'll do enough good to make sure of that". That sort of got me thinking. What good do I do to the world? I like to think I am a good person. But do I consciously help someone every day? I thought I'd create a list on my blog and I'll post what I've done to help others. But now the question is, what do I expect to gain from it? As I said at the beginning of my post, I am not really that religious. So getting points in Allah's book does not rock my boat!!!!!! And I know there are no "virgins" waiting for me at heaven anyways! Then why do I want to help others or do good to the world? Cause I want my children to learn from me. I don't want them to ever learn to hate others. I want them to learn that it gives you mental satisfaction to help others without expecting anything back from them. And if I really really want to be honest, there is a tiny tiny voice inside me that I almost don't hear, screaming, "What if there is heaven and hell and Allah"?

Full of contradictions. That's my middle name.