Different faces of grief

My mom has been depressed for the past two weeks. She misses Bangladesh, she misses my dad, she misses being able to pick up the phone and calling up her friends, she misses taking a rickshaw and going over to visit her family and friends. I've been trying everything I can think of to cheer her up. It's just not working. I am now getting depressed seeing her sad all the time. I miss my dad too, but I feel like I can’t really express my feelings to her because then it will make her even sadder than she already is. How do you make the pain of losing someway go away? It’s been a year and a half almost and I still feel the pain as raw and violently as I did the day he passed away. I can't even imagine what she feels like. I find myself trying to work longer hours so that I don’t have to go home and see my mom’s sad face. I feel horrible.

I miss you Abbu

I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you. I miss the smell of your cologne, mixed with soap. I miss your smile. I miss our conversations. I miss how you never used to finish a sentence. I miss eating from your plate. I miss holding your hand. I miss your honesty. I miss your simplicity. I miss your naivety. I miss your child like curiosity. I miss picking out your gray hair. I miss your delight in simple things. I miss your love.

Dreading...waiting

I am dreading the arrival of July 3rd. Can't believe it already has been a year since the day I lost my father. I know my mom is going to be sad that day. My sister is coming over on the 1st. So atleast I don't have to handle my mom all alone. I don't know how I am going to handle it though. I am usully not an emotional wreck, but this is a first. Unknown territory. I know I will be playing scenes from that day over and over in my head. I still can't get over the fact that I would never see him again. I wish I knew for sure that he did not have any regrets. The fact that he couldn't talk in his last days weighs heavily on my mind when I think about it. Would he have said things to us in his last days? Would he have asked me to take care of my mom and my sister? Did he want to see his mother one last time? Should I have taken Raffae and Zoya with me to Bangladesh so that he could have seen them one last time? Was he too much in pain to even think about these simple things? I read Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" recently. I hope Abbu is waiting there in line for me. I so hope he is.

Tribute to a Stranger

I was seated on the plane, waiting for it to take off and crying silent tears. I had just buried my father that very same day. I had thought about changing my ticket, stay with my mom and my sister, and console them. But I had other responsibilities waiting for me in US. Zoya's surgery was scheduled for later that week. I had to leave everyone just hours into mourning and fly back to US.

All of a sudden, the young man seated next to me tapped me on my shoulder and asked in a very gentle voice if I was ok. All I could do was shake my head and cry more. He got up and got me some napkins from the Air Hostess. In between sobs I told him I had just lost my father. He told me how he lost his father when he was very young and told me he knew exactly what I was feeling. He kept me engaged in conversation all the way to Dubai, then asked me if I wanted to join him and walk around the airport. I found out he was going to school in Canada, (I think University of Toronto) studying to be an Actuary. His name was Yaseer.

I was thinking about him sometime last week. We departed in Dubai Airport saying we will meet up at the boarding gate. We were on the same plane to London. I was exhausted from the ordeal of the whole day. I boarded the plane early thinking he will come looking for me and fell asleep. He probably thought I was ignoring him or something. Who knows? But I never got to properly say thanks to him. Yaseer, thank you very much for your kindness that day. I wish you all the best in life and I hope I run into you some day.

Abbu

I cry for my father every day. In the shower, in the middle of the night, on my way to work, at work, while doing the dishes. I think of the last couple of minutes of his life, I play it out in my head over and over and over again. I was in the room when the doctors were trying to resuscitate him. All of it seemed to be happening in slow motion. Seemed like all the doctors, nurses were there. They were talking to each other in a low voice. Everyone seemed calm even though the room was full of flurries. Then they seemed to stop doing whatever they were doing in unison. What! Don't stop! I wanted to scream. The doctor in charge stopped next to me, on his way out, and then walked out without saying a word. That's it? I remember thinking. That's how life ends? I remember getting mad, sad, horrified, worried, crushed, lost - all at the same time. I spent the last 18 days of his life with him, but I didn't tell him all the things I wanted to tell him. I was in denial. I was thinking if I say goodbye, it will somehow quicken the process. I regret that decision every day. I wish I had told him more how much I love him. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me, how much he influenced my life. He was truly a great person. The world is worse off without him.

A bad day

I’ve started defining my days as “Good Days” and “Bad Days” now. Today is a bad day for me. I can’t stop thinking about you today. When I think about you nowadays, I think of your eyes first. What were you trying to tell us? Those big, brown eyes staring at us from the sunken face. You wanted to go home so desperately. You had lost your voice by the time I got there. You still asked to go home everyday. Did you know the end was near? Did you want to see all your familiar things one last time? You used to get so mad when the guys came to clean your bandages. Did it hurt a lot? Did it hurt when they cleaned inside your throat? What did you think all those time when you used to stare out the window? Did you think of things you hadn’t experienced? Did you have any regrets? Did you want to have one proper meal for a change? Did you want to tell us something before you let out your last breath?
I have so many things to tell you. So many things I want to ask you. You didn’t get a chance to meet Zoya. You didn’t have time to enjoy your retirement. You didn’t get to see Lizu get married. Why did you have to leave so early!