Full of contradictions

I am muslim. I was never that religious, but I was very conscious of the fact on September 11, 2001. Sure I've seen war pictures on TV and Newspapers, read about Palestine and Israel, Iran and Iraq war growing up, but never was I effected by all these atrocities directly. This time it was my adopted country that was getting hit. Buildings where my friends work were crumbling down in front of my eyes on the Television. For the first time in my life, I was watching the power of hatred unfold in front of me. I still couldn't understand how can you hate someone so much that you would be prepared to do so much damage to innocent people, let alone kill yourself. I just couldn't grasp the idea. The fact that these attackers were muslim was not helping me either. I remember I came home, sat in front of the TV all day, watching numbly all the devastation. In between, I was trying to call all my friends in New York to make sure they were ok.

All the memories came back to me today when I heard a story on NPR this morning. This gentleman lost his Fiance on 9/11. He was narrating what he felt like with her, what he learnt from her. At the end he said he would be in love with her forever and he will see her again in heaven. He said "I'll do enough good to make sure of that". That sort of got me thinking. What good do I do to the world? I like to think I am a good person. But do I consciously help someone every day? I thought I'd create a list on my blog and I'll post what I've done to help others. But now the question is, what do I expect to gain from it? As I said at the beginning of my post, I am not really that religious. So getting points in Allah's book does not rock my boat!!!!!! And I know there are no "virgins" waiting for me at heaven anyways! Then why do I want to help others or do good to the world? Cause I want my children to learn from me. I don't want them to ever learn to hate others. I want them to learn that it gives you mental satisfaction to help others without expecting anything back from them. And if I really really want to be honest, there is a tiny tiny voice inside me that I almost don't hear, screaming, "What if there is heaven and hell and Allah"?

Full of contradictions. That's my middle name.