Different faces of grief

My mom has been depressed for the past two weeks. She misses Bangladesh, she misses my dad, she misses being able to pick up the phone and calling up her friends, she misses taking a rickshaw and going over to visit her family and friends. I've been trying everything I can think of to cheer her up. It's just not working. I am now getting depressed seeing her sad all the time. I miss my dad too, but I feel like I can’t really express my feelings to her because then it will make her even sadder than she already is. How do you make the pain of losing someway go away? It’s been a year and a half almost and I still feel the pain as raw and violently as I did the day he passed away. I can't even imagine what she feels like. I find myself trying to work longer hours so that I don’t have to go home and see my mom’s sad face. I feel horrible.

I miss you Abbu

I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you. I miss the smell of your cologne, mixed with soap. I miss your smile. I miss our conversations. I miss how you never used to finish a sentence. I miss eating from your plate. I miss holding your hand. I miss your honesty. I miss your simplicity. I miss your naivety. I miss your child like curiosity. I miss picking out your gray hair. I miss your delight in simple things. I miss your love.

It's COLD ......

High 29 degrees today and breezy!!!!! Windchill will make it feel like 17 degrees!! I think I am going to stay in the hotel today!!

"Happy Halloheen"

I'm in Chicago this week. So busy working and missing out on "Halloheen" as Raffae calls it. Hubby took the kids out for Trick or Treating tonight. Zoya I think thought she was just going out for a walk, so she stayed on our usual walking route and led Raffae and Tanveer back home!! :-) Tanveer then left her home with my mom and took Raffae out. Raffae said "I'm not scared" in front of houses that were decorated but then stayed back a little!!! :-D So much for dressing up as Superman!! I thought he would go for Scooby Doo or even Spiderman, but he was just determined that he wanted to dress up as Superman when I took him to the store to get him a costume!

We went to an orchard nearby our house on Sunday. They had hay rides, pony rides, face painting, animal petting etc. The kids had fun there too!! Halloween is becoming more and more fun every year!!!!!

Don't my Mini Mouse and Superman look adorable?!!! :-)

Keeping warm on this cold, cold day .....

with love! Today is my birthday. I am a big sucker for birthdays. I thought this year there won't be any celebration as hubby is out of town. To my surprise, my co-workers got me a cake. A lot of people called to wish me a happy birthday, some even from Bangladesh! And then when I got home, I was greeted with a card and a smile from Raffae. My mom helped him make the card. She said she had told Raffae that today is Mommy's birthday and he has been saying "Mommy happy Birthday, candle on cake" all day!! She had asked me to bring a small cake on my way home, which I did. We put a candle on the cake, cut it and then Raffae blew the candle off. Then my mom brought out the special dishes she had made for me!! I am so very blessed to have such loving family and friends.

Happy tears

I don't remember how I got to her blog, but I have already spent quite some time on it today and will read all her posts tonight. This one in particular, brought tears to my eyes.

Bagher Bachcha

Thank you Dr. Yunus for everything you have done for Bangladesh.

Apple of my eye

My baby is growing up way too fast! This picture was taken on her 2nd birthday. She is going through some rough times. She can't communicate efficiently what she wants and throws tantrums a lot nowadays. Sometimes it's really nervewrecking to handle her. If she could have her way, she would surgically have herself attached to mommy!! Mommy gets impatient at times, but baby, as soon as mommy sees this picture of yours, she forgets everything. You are mommy's favorite girl!

Need a lifestyle change

I have been worried about my health in general recently. With two kids back to back, I have put on some weight and have been carrying it around with me for the past three years! My family has all kinds of nasty history of Heart Diseases, Cancer, Diabetes, Glucoma, Arthritis…basically you name it and someone in the family has it! I keep thinking I need to start going to the gym regularly and get this extra 25 pounds off of me. I keep telling myself I need to start eating healthier, but forget that as soon as I see the chocolate cake in the cafeteria. I’ve become increasingly depressed, worried in the last month or so about my health. I need to go get my annual check up done and I think my sixth sense is telling me that this year, I’m going to get some bad news. If I had to bet, I’d put my money on high cholesterol. Of course, I’m putting off making that appointment. Then I got a wake up call yesterday. Someone whom I knew in Bangladesh died of heart attack last week. He was my classmate.

Vacay!!!

There is so much I want to say and write, but have no time! So here are couple of highlights to keep you all updated:

1) I have a three year old who is absolutely in love with Eiffel Tower.
2) Those souveniers do not come anywhere near the real thing!
3) Paris is cool beyond words.
4) I went to the Red Light District in Amsterdam!!
5) Raffae is driving me nuts with his constant chatter.
6) My friend Tanya's kids are absolutely adorable!

Stay tuned for over 340 pictures and counting..........

His first icecream

Raffae had his first icecream the other day! That kid of mine is weird! I mean what kid doesn't like icecream!!!!!!!! Those of you that don't know him, he is by far the pickiest eater I know of! Up until couple of months ago, he only ate things that are white! Yes, you read that right. WHITE! And it has to be crunchy, or atleast solid. No liquid beside milk and water ever went down his throat!! We took the kids to the Zoo over the weekend. I guess he saw other kids eating icecream and felt adventures enough to try one himself! I wish we had taken a camera or something to hold that image forever!!!!

JonBenet

I am very, very saddened by the news of the arrest in JonBenet case. Ever since I had Zoya, anything horrible I hear concerning a little girl, I ofcourse think of all the what-ifs and it just kills me. Hearing the news of the arrest on the radio on my way to work this morning, I was reminded of all those videos of JonBenet walking down the pageant isle, the home videos, her pictures on front of every magazine and newspaper on the stand. Everyone I am sure remembers who JonBenet is. You don’t need to jog anyone’s memory! I thought about her parents and was startled by the realization that her mother passed away earlier this year without knowing that her daughter’s murderer was found. What agony they must have gone through all these years, with the media always keeping them in the limelight with false accusations and conjectures. At the time, I disliked Patsy thinking how could you let a six year old go to these pageants, what are you really teaching your kid by doing this?! But the fact that she passed away not knowing that her name has been cleared of accusations is bothering me. Ten years! Wow! I hope the family is not reliving every horrible second of that day today. I hope the paparazzis leave them alone, let them have some much deserved peace and quiet.

(Updated 8/22/06) What in the world! I just read that the guy's family is producing a picture of his three sons taken during Christmas 2001 in Georgia or some other place and they are saying if his sons were in Gorgia, so was he. Otherwise, the family would have remembered his absense! Agggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! Hate this! No matter what, that guy is creepy! He said he loved JonBenet! Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Sick!

I want to be a better person

We were watching Hotel Rwanda the other night. I tear up every time I see this movie. We recently bought the DVD, so this time we watched the “Special Features” which included interviews of the real Paul Rusesabagina. What a humble person! He is so above the average person, yet so very non-judgmental, very diplomatic. Considering the fact that the world leaders left him, you would think he would be sarcastic, cynical; yet he exudes honesty, an openness that is really rare. If I were in his situation, I probably would have been on the first bus out of the hotel! We are so materialistic, image concious nowadays that we forget what REALLY is important - who we are as human beings. I've read recently that there is a "campaign" going on to smear his name. People are saying that the story has been distorted, he didn't do as much as the movie depicts, that he only helped his friends etc. The person I saw talking on the special feature the other day I think is not capable of doing such things. He didn't start an effort on his own to save people from the mass killings, the situation sort of chose him. What is remarkable is that he rose above his reservations and tried his best to help other people in need. He trully is a real-life hero and he inspires me to be a better person.

An Island

I have come to a realization over the past couple of days. Over the years, my “friends” list has dwindled down as I became more and more involved with my family. Now I feel like my family list is growing shorter by the day! I’ve been living in the US for over 13 years now. With each year, I feel like my tie with the extended family has been wearing out. With my grandmother’s death, I all of a sudden realized the number of people that really, really care about me, that would call 911 if they don’t hear from me on a regular basis or if I don’t go home tonight, is dangerously close to single digit! I feel like I am gradually becoming an island, slowly separating from the mainland. This is making me really, really sad. Am I over-reacting because I am upset, emotional right now? Am I on the verge of Depression? Am I acting spoiled ‘cause I know there are people out there who really are all alone in this world.

Bubu

My world has been turned upside down again. My dadi (grandmother) passed away yesterday after suffering for a long, long, long, long time. She was my first ever friend. I grew up in a joint family. So she literally raised me. I have so many fond memories of her that I'll cherish all my life. May God give her much deserved peace.

Dreading...waiting

I am dreading the arrival of July 3rd. Can't believe it already has been a year since the day I lost my father. I know my mom is going to be sad that day. My sister is coming over on the 1st. So atleast I don't have to handle my mom all alone. I don't know how I am going to handle it though. I am usully not an emotional wreck, but this is a first. Unknown territory. I know I will be playing scenes from that day over and over in my head. I still can't get over the fact that I would never see him again. I wish I knew for sure that he did not have any regrets. The fact that he couldn't talk in his last days weighs heavily on my mind when I think about it. Would he have said things to us in his last days? Would he have asked me to take care of my mom and my sister? Did he want to see his mother one last time? Should I have taken Raffae and Zoya with me to Bangladesh so that he could have seen them one last time? Was he too much in pain to even think about these simple things? I read Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" recently. I hope Abbu is waiting there in line for me. I so hope he is.

Hollywood vs. Bollywood

My mom was watching some Bollywood award show this morning. In between eating my breakfast, making coffee, I was taking in some of the hoopla. All the Indian actors, actresses decked out in their best outfits and jewelry, all the crazy dancing going on onstage. At one point, I started noticing all the actresses in their ever shrinking outfits had curves in the right places, even a small womanly pouch! I stopped and watched the next couple of dances and yes they all had some meat on them. I found it quite refreshing compared to the ever shrinking bodies of the Hollywood actresses! I think I’ll make Zoya watch Bollywood movies till she gets it in her head that being a size 0 or a size 2 is not necessarily a good thing. Now what to do about all the crazy outfits the Indian actresses are sporting nowadays?! Sigh. There’s always a catch!

Tidbits and others

I’ve been writing my posts in my head for the past couple of weeks! I keep thinking I am going to go home and write this idea down, but once I get home, I am busy playing with the kids or cleaning or cooking etc. So I decided to just write it all out today at work!!! Hehehehe. It’s Friday and I have been working extra hard last couple of weeks! I can play hookie for a little bit! So this post is going to be random thoughts, ideas, information, thrown together at the whim of the creator!

Speaking of creator, I was listening to an interview on NPR. They were talking about going to the moon to look for early earth rocks containing signs of life! I know crazy idea, but they had some valid arguments! You can listen to it here if you are interested. Anyways, listening to this, I experienced a moment of sheer panic! I was thinking what if in my lifetime, we find some intelligent life in some distant corner (or not so distant) of the universe??!! I literally felt chills going up and down my spine! What a scary yet exciting moment would that be! I am not a trekki, but I have seen enough Star Trek to color my imagination! I think I’d rather find some sort of “dumb bugs” on some other planet than some form of intelligent life!!!!!!!!! Which in turn made me think why do I feel the need to be superior to some other species?! What gives me the right to feel so proud of being the only known form of life in this whole big universe?! We are nothing but a grain of sand compared to the vastness of the universe! Now that is a scary thought! There’s got to be someone somewhere sitting there, looking at us, laughing his/her head off at our stupidity in thinking that we are intelligent enough to create, invent, discover all there is on this earth. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. I am really freaking out thinking about this! Let me think about something else!

Lets talk about Zoya now. BIG NEWS! She is talking! She has about 4/5 distinguishable words now! She says “Hi”, “Mama”, “Papa”, “Bebe” (baby), “shee” (shoe). She definitely understands a lot more. If we say “Lets go”, she runs to the front door and stands there with her hand on the doorknob, looking at us, with a smile on her face! If I say “Pani Khabe? (Do you want a drink?), she will look at the kitchen counter and look for her sippy cup. When we say “night night Zoya”, she will run to the stairs and start climbing! I can’t tell you what a big relief that is to us that she is finally talking! She loves looking at books. She loves playing with her mega blocks too.

Raffae has become a constant source of chatter in the house!!!!!!!!!! :-D Right now he is learning that Papa and Raffae are boys and mommy and Zoya are girls! Every now and then he forgets and says “papa is a girl” or “mommy is a boy”! He has become a BIG computer hogger! He can spend literally hours on the computer! I was working from home one day last week and he wanted to sit at the table with mommy. He played for 2.5 hours straight! Is there any study out there that’s going to make me into a criminal for letting a 2.75 year old play online for that long?! :-P He says “Bess You mommy/papa/nanu/zoya” when we sneeze. He even says “Bess you Raffae” when he sneezes! Hahahaha. He passes gas and says “scuse me” with a naughty look on his face! He is becoming much better at sharing toys and stuff with Zoya.

Work is becoming more and more stressful! I’ve been feeling completely drained lately. By the time I get home, I am just sooooooo exhausted mentally that I don’t feel like doing anything. I just play with the kids for a little bit, give them dinner, get them ready for the bed and then hit the bed myself! This means, I’ve been piling up house chores! Yikes! My sister and her hubby are coming to visit us next week! I’ll be doing lots of cleaning and tidying up this weekend!

Planning to watch “Da Vinci Code” tonight. I was telling Tanveer that I wanted to read the book before watching the movie. He brought up a good point. He said the movie obviously is not going to be as great as the book. He doesn’t want all the details of the book fresh in his mind when he goes to watch the movie! Smart man!

I feel like taking up knitting. I know the basics. My mom is a knitting wiz. I remember seeing the needles dancing away effortlessly in her hands as she would be watching tv or reading a book! She made sweaters, shawls, caps, gloves, scarves for everyone in the extended family every winter! I think I need to have a chat with her.

Speaking of mom, we had a wonderful Mother’s Day Brunch with all the moms and daughters in the family. Here’s a picture of Zoya and her cousin Priya at the brunch. My brother-in-law commented seeing this picture that he can just picture these two sitting like this and talking about boys in less than 12 years! Yikes!

Tribute to a Stranger

I was seated on the plane, waiting for it to take off and crying silent tears. I had just buried my father that very same day. I had thought about changing my ticket, stay with my mom and my sister, and console them. But I had other responsibilities waiting for me in US. Zoya's surgery was scheduled for later that week. I had to leave everyone just hours into mourning and fly back to US.

All of a sudden, the young man seated next to me tapped me on my shoulder and asked in a very gentle voice if I was ok. All I could do was shake my head and cry more. He got up and got me some napkins from the Air Hostess. In between sobs I told him I had just lost my father. He told me how he lost his father when he was very young and told me he knew exactly what I was feeling. He kept me engaged in conversation all the way to Dubai, then asked me if I wanted to join him and walk around the airport. I found out he was going to school in Canada, (I think University of Toronto) studying to be an Actuary. His name was Yaseer.

I was thinking about him sometime last week. We departed in Dubai Airport saying we will meet up at the boarding gate. We were on the same plane to London. I was exhausted from the ordeal of the whole day. I boarded the plane early thinking he will come looking for me and fell asleep. He probably thought I was ignoring him or something. Who knows? But I never got to properly say thanks to him. Yaseer, thank you very much for your kindness that day. I wish you all the best in life and I hope I run into you some day.

Clouds

I read a science fiction loooong time ago when I was a kid. The family lived on a spaceship and stopped next to clouds to take baths!! I had an image of that stuck it in my head permanently!! Seemed like such a luxury! Everytime I fly, evrytime the plane passes clouds, I wish I could lay down in a cloud someday! :-) Anyone else has any other crazy ideas like this?