Death by Chocolate

I've been craving chocolate cake for couple of days now. The more days I go without satisfying my craving, the worse it gets. The fact that I've been home past four days is not helping either. I've been stuffing myself with all kinds of junk I found around the house! I probably gained back a pound or two of the weight I had lost, thanks to all the junk I've been eating! I think I'm going to give in and treat myself to a gooey chocolate cake tomorrow. I know I'll feel sooo guilty afterwards that I'll be good for a month!! I'll concentrate on working off that chocolate cake off my thigh! ;-)

Update: It's 3:17 pm and I haven't given in yet! I found out this morning that I have lost 5 pounds! That bit of a good news was good enough to hold off that craving! ;-)

Battle lost

I was on my way to the clinic when my aunt called me on my phone. She just wanted to know where we were and I knew from her voice that Abbu was not doing well. I let my mom pay the taxi while I ran up the stairs to his room. The doctors were already there, trying to help him. I didn't want my mom to see this. I told my aunt to stop her from coming to the room. She told her that they were changing his dressing and made her sit at the nurses' station. After the doctor's left, I called everyone and told them that it was over. I even talked to Shuvo in US. I didn't know how to tell my mom. I couldn't face her. It was pouring outside. Felt like the old saying was true. When someone good leaves the earth, earth cries for that person. We had lost the battle.

My sister stopped at the clinic before going to work that day and she was so restless at work afterwards, that she decided to take the day off and come back to the clinic. When I called her, she was at her boss's office, telling him that she was leaving for the day. All I said to her was "Asho" (come) and she knew.

When I couldn't put it off anymore, I walked over to the nurses station. As I approached my mom, she looked at me. She knew. She started crying, saying over and over again "What happened? What are you not telling me?" I just hugged her. I couldn't say it to her. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. That was the hardest day of my life.

I am absolutely disgusted by the lyrics and the video of this song. Tanveer seems to think if I were offered enough money, I’d do it too, but I honestly disagree. If I were an artist, I’d still have some morals and values left in me.

My lovely lady lumps!!!!!!!! Who comes up with these lyrics!!??

How well do you know Harry Potter??

Being the Harry Potter nerd I am, I had to post this trivia on the eve of the release of the fourth movie.

Take the Harry Potter quiz

Here's my score:
Thanks for taking our quiz. You answered 100% of the questions correctly.
You are Albus Dumbledore. You are truly the greatest wizard of the age.

:-D :-D :-D

New Jersey

Heard a feature on the radio about the state of New Jersey's effort to find a tourism slogan. They supposedly hired an Image Consultant for hunderds and thousands of dollars. The slogan they came up with was "New Jersey - We will win you over." Apparantly, the state officials didn't like this slogan and asked general public to submit suggestions. Here are some slogans submitted by people:

• "New Jersey -- it's not as bad as it smells."
  
• "New Jersey -- why should death end your voting rights?"
  
• "New Jersey -- sold to Corzine." (In honor of the state's governor-elect)
  
• "At least it's not West Virginia." (Submitted by a NJ resident)
  

Yeah New Jersey! You do need to win people over. Maybe start with your residents!!

9 days and counting…....

We are taking Raffae to the movies to watch the new Harry Potter movie. It will be his first movie in the theatre. Tanveer and I are looking forward to the movie ourselves. It looks great from all the clips they have on mugglenet. Can’t wait to see He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in action at the graveyard. And the Triwizard Tournament!!!! Wow! I can’t wait to see how Raffae reacts to it all. We are thinking he is either going to sit there watch the whole movie with his mouth open, or he will be screaming "wow" "Haywy Podder" "Dagons" all through out the movie. Maybe I’ll make him wear his Halloween costume to go to the movies. And if you have no idea what I am talking about, all I have to say to you is: "You have no idea what you are missing out! You ignorant muggle!!" :-D

I’ve been sitting on a secret for some time now. Before you all get worked up, no I am NOT pregnant! I found a website that is being dubbed as the Internet’s worst kept secret. I kept it to myself for couple of weeks before I showed it to Shuvo. Another couple of weeks has passed and I think I want all of you to take a look at it now. I think this website is way cool and I saw one entry some time ago that could have been from me!!!!!!!! Let me know what you think of the website. One word of caution: might be better to not view it at work.

My secret

The Naked Truth

I am depressed. Emotions have taken over me. I can’t think rationally, I behave in a totally uncharacteristic way. I fly into a blinding rage for no reason. Halloween night was taking its toll on me. I had both the kids to myself. Took them to our community center where they were handing out Trick-or-treat bags and flashlights. So I dressed the kids up (Harry Potter and Little Devil) and took them there. I had Zoya in a stroller and Raffae was walking next to me. Then before I knew it, he was running like the wind! He was on the sidewalk, but I was worried that he was going to run into the street and get hit by a car! At one point, I was running also to keep up with him, pushing the stroller as fast as I could. He finally fell down and gave me a chance to catch up with him. I literally dragged him home after that. I took off his cloak to take off the light jacket he was wearing underneath. Then he would not put the cloak back on. He was running to the door everytime someone rang the bell. He was saying hello to them, giving them candies (he tried to take some too from someone)!! Zoya was still wearing her Little Devil outfit and was absolutely adorable! But I just couldn’t make Raffae put his Harry Potter cloak back on. I was trying to cook dinner, give out candies, feed Zoya and Raffae. I was getting madder by the second. Finally my knight in shining armor got home, he took Raffae out, made him put the cloak on and we took them to the houses nearby. Then Raffae was having a ball!! He was so cute in his Harry Potter robe, with his wand in one hand and the pumpkin basket in the other. (He sat on the glasses and broke them! True Harry Potter!) He walked up to people’s house and said “Hebo” (Hello) and “Kank U” (Thank U) without any prompting from us. He ate 3-4 candies before we even got home. The rest got confiscated, needless to say. Then later on, in between trying to clean the kitchen, putting laundry in the washing machine and putting Raffae to bed, I said something really hurtful to Shuvo. Yet this morning, he kissed me, hugged me and said he loves me. Can I just kill myself tonight?

I went north and my diet went south

My resolution to eat healthy took a dive over the weekend. We went to the beach this past weekend. I had Ihop for breakfast, skipped lunch and then had Pizza Hut for dinner. But I am not too concerned about the fact that I consumed almost half a pizza in half an hour cause I am determined to get back on track. The mirrors in the store fitting rooms that allow 360 degree views of you were not flattering at all!!!! I am on South Beach from today, with my partner in crime, Andreia. Someone just brought some cupcakes to work. Damn these people! I did have a great salad lunch though.

Abbu

I cry for my father every day. In the shower, in the middle of the night, on my way to work, at work, while doing the dishes. I think of the last couple of minutes of his life, I play it out in my head over and over and over again. I was in the room when the doctors were trying to resuscitate him. All of it seemed to be happening in slow motion. Seemed like all the doctors, nurses were there. They were talking to each other in a low voice. Everyone seemed calm even though the room was full of flurries. Then they seemed to stop doing whatever they were doing in unison. What! Don't stop! I wanted to scream. The doctor in charge stopped next to me, on his way out, and then walked out without saying a word. That's it? I remember thinking. That's how life ends? I remember getting mad, sad, horrified, worried, crushed, lost - all at the same time. I spent the last 18 days of his life with him, but I didn't tell him all the things I wanted to tell him. I was in denial. I was thinking if I say goodbye, it will somehow quicken the process. I regret that decision every day. I wish I had told him more how much I love him. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me, how much he influenced my life. He was truly a great person. The world is worse off without him.

BDay Stats & Facts

1) I've had 34 bdays in my life so far! Wish to have atleast 50 more.
2) Number of people who have wished me a happy bday: 24 (I'm not counting the work people!)
3) Goodies collected so far: a Coach hat, iPod Nano (yayyyyy!!!), a book, a plant, a beautiful clutch
4) My resolution for the coming year (yes, I make my resolutions on my bday): Eat healthy, be more organized and exercise!!
5) I miss Abbu
6) Work treated everyone in the office to lunch for my bday! I picked a thai place. Food was really good

Angela

Let me introduce you to my friend Angela. We went to University of Maryland together. Even though she is about half my age, we became good friends. She is so funny, so much fun to be with! She made all those boring classes bearable! She has been pestering me ever since I started this blog that why haven't I written about her. Do I not like her anymore? She is watching my blog closely to see how long it takes me to write something about her! Well, she provided me the greatest opportunity today to introduce her to the blog world. Here's the link to a card she sent to me for my birthday! It is soooooo Angela! :-D I loved it Little Girl! Thanks for remembering my bday. When was your bday again!? Did I miss it again this year??!! :-O

Awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first, I thought this was a joke!! Turns out, it's not! Take a look.

Click here

Lost another friend to Amway!!

We met a couple some times ago and both Tanveer and I really liked them. We thought this was a couple we could hang out with. They seemed to have the same interests as us. They were both witty, smart. Then they started pitching Amway to us. It got so bad one day, that knowing they were calling, we intentionally did not answer the phone. We were closing on our first house ever that Friday, and they wanted us to cancel it to go away to some retreat in PA or NJ or somewhere. Can you believe the gall of these people!! If we were crazy enough to cancel the closing and go there, I am sure we would have more Amway shoved down our throat over the weekend!

Last month, we were all in IKEA when an Indian girl started talking to me. She said she had seen me couple of times at Target that’s close to my work. She noticed me because I look like one of her cousins etc etc. She was couple of months pregnant and was asking me how I handle kids and work. She profusely praised the kids. (I should have known something was up right then and there! Raffae was having a complete meltdown by then and she was saying how quiet and cute they were!!!) I liked her enough to give her my cell phone number and promised that we will meet up for lunch one of these days. She tried to call me twice, and left messages. I was as usual busy with the kids and work and just wasn’t able to call her back. I was feeling really guilty about it too. And then she called me the other night. Luckily the kids were in bed on time that day and I was happy that I’d be able to talk to her. And then she starts talking about this great business opportunity she just found out about and how she immediately thought about me!! Gawd!! Just send a big bolt of lightening and kill me right now!! Note to my friends: I will be green with envy when you do drive around in Jaguars, wearing Rolex watches that you bought from all the money you made from Amway or any other pyramid scheme for that matter, (Have any of you seen those cheesy videos that they make you watch??!! Yes, we even did that for the first couple mentioned!! ), but if you want to stay friends with me, please don't say the "A" word! (Sudden Paranoia) Question to friends: You do want to be friends with me, right?? You haven't been investing all these years to talk to me about Amway one of these days, have you?!?!?!?

Childhood Memories

Raffae is into choo-choos nowadays. He only wanted to watch Thomas & Friends the other day before going to bed. As I sat there watching Thomas & Friends with him, I started thinking about the trips we used to take by train back in Bangladesh. We used to travel by train a lot, because my Dada (paternal grandfather) used to work for the Railway board. He used to get free passes for the cabin cars!! These were little compartments with bunk bed style seating.

There were rituals to our trips. Bubu (paternal grandma) ofcourse would make sure we had a tiffin carrier full of food with us. Still, we would stop at the Savoy Bakery and pick up pastries, cookies and sandwiches for snacks. Once we got to the station, my sis and I would run up to our cabin to get the window seats. My mom would buy 5/6 magazines to keep her occupied during the journey. My uncle would buy newspaper. He was a student at that time and somehow always ended up accompanying us on our trips to Nanu’s (maternal grandma) house.

Back then, going to my nanu’s house used to take almost a day. We had to change the train twice and get on a ferry too. That was quite a long journey, but we were never bored! We used to stick our heads out the window and look at the scenery passing us by which used to vary depending on the season. In summer, you would see field after field of dry soil. Dry from the heat of summer. During monsoon, the same fields would be under water and little kids would be rowing boats. Sometimes, they would try to keep up with the train. We used to laugh and cheer them on, but usually left them behind in no time. We would see hundreds and hundreds of water lily floating on the water. In autumn, you would be greeted by sky bluer than blue with white, fluffy clouds and “Kash Phool” by the train track. Winter would bring men climbing Date trees for the juice that they store in a clay pot.

We used to play “I spy”. My uncle taught us once that whatever poem you recite on a train, sounds like the train is rhyming away with you. We knew all the station names, big and small, by heart. We knew where to get the best Amra (a type of fruit). The train would get to a big junction right around 6:00 in the morning. We would wake up with all the hustle and bustle. “Deem, deem”. (Boiled eggs. People used to ferry them around in a basket that they carried on their heads) “Cha niben, cha?” (Want tea?) My uncle would jump out and get tea from the station stall and jump back on the train, as it was about to pull out of the station. How scary, yet thrilling that used to be. We were always worried that he would not be able to make it back to the train on time. My sister and I always used to sleep on the top bunk beds at night. I loved lying there, reading a book at night. My body bouncing around with the movement of the train.

We would get glimpses of peoples lives as the train rushed through the villages. Children standing on verandas with sleepy eyes. Men walking towards the pond/river with neem stick in their mouth. Women walking with a clay pot on their head full of water. Farmer pushing his ox and plough in the field under the burning mid-day sun. Bride being carried in a palki, while the groom walked next to it with his umbrella in hand. We would pass by the railway crossings where we would see someone looking up at the train from a rickshaw.

We used to reach Kumarkhali station right around dusk. While my mom and uncle would slowly walk the way, looking at their school, playground where they used to play, my sister and I would run to Nanu’s house. We knew she would be standing there by the front gate waiting for us. Also waiting would be all the fabulous pickles, misti, doi, naru, motka, moa, khoi, ripe guavas, lal shak, dal vorta, bori and lots and lots more.

Childhood. Such a precious time of our lives.

Ode to my lone subscriber

I haven't updated my blog in a while. I feel pressured. I don't want to let down my lone subscriber. Here's to you my loyal reader!!! :-) I hope you will keep coming back to my blog for years to come!!!

P.S. I've just been busy with Zoya's first bday party preparation! I don't even want to think about my state of mind when it will be her wedding preparation!!!! :-D I will either go crazy or I will need to hire an assistant...

I want to kill her!!!

As you are reading this post, those of you that know what Zoya has been through this year, will appreciate that I wasn't actually at the doctor's office when this conversation took place.

Little background info. Looks like she has another teeth coming out. I can see the tip of the tooth when she opens her mouth. But it's been there for almost a month now and she has been a little cranky about the same. She keeps waking up in the middle of the night and starts crying. She won't lay down in her crib at all. We had to bring her to sleep with us couple of days.

Yesterday, I got a little paranoid and tried to feel the tooth. She won't let me! She screams as soon as I touch that area. And it doesn't feel like a tooth! It's soft. So it could be that she has some sort of infection and the puss is what I am looking at and thinking it's a new tooth coming out. I called the doctor's office this morning to make an appointment for her. Here's the conversation I had with the Nurse.

Me: (After explaining the whole situation) So I'd like to bring her in to just get it checked out.
Nurse: What was her name again? (She pulls up Zoya's record) Wait, she was just here for her one year check up!
Me: Yes.
Nurse: She had this then?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: The doctor saw it and didn't say anything?
Me: I'm sure she also probably thought it was a tooth. That's what it looks like unless you touch it.
Nurse: Is it red and swollen?
Me: No, it's white! I told you it looks like a tooth.
Nurse: I think it's a tooth. Give her some Tylenol.

Do you think I was wrong in thinking that I would really enjoy bashing her head in with the phone?

Rudimentary Realizations

The color of emotional pain: grayish blue, sort of like a cloudy day sky
How I feel emotional pain: Towards the beginning, quite numb. Then gradually that grayish blue takes over my insides and stays there for a long time.
How I wish I felt emotional pain: I wish the pain would sear me to pieces in a second, and then I would stay numb for an extended period of time.

What Remains

I was done with the kitchen clean-up, the kids were asleep and Tanveer was working on his school paper. So I decided to plop down on the couch and watch Oprah that I tape religiously on Tivo.

It was a very moving show, atleast for me. Her guest was Carole Radziwill, wife of Anthony Radziwill who also happened to be JFK Jr.’s first cousin. She was born in a middle class family and worked her way up the New York social ladder. She ended up as a news editor with ABC, met Anthony, fell in love and got married into America’s royal family. She later on met Carolyn Bessette, and the two immediately bonded and later became best friends as she said they both sort of felt like outsiders in the Kennedy family. Anyways, long story short, she lost the Kennedys and then three weeks later, lost her husband to cancer. She has written a memoir called `What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love’ which has been published recently. I know this question is going to be asked quite a lot, whether people would have been interested in her book if it weren’t for the Kennedys. Even Oprah asked her the same question. Her answer was she started writing the book about four years later after that dreadful summer to help herself move on. She started writing it for an audience of one – herself. I know a lot of people are going to be sarcastic about her comments. That’s where my two cents come in.

I just lost my father to cancer not so long ago. I could totally relate to what she was saying. It was actually quite shocking to me to see how raw her pain was even after all this time. I grieve my father every day in so many ways. This blog was one of the ways I thought I’d be able to release some of the pent up stress and depression in me. She said she thought people would be interested in this book even if it was someone ordinary, ‘cause it is a story of fate, friendship and love: that happens to every Joe, Mary and Bill (and Zeenat). I am sure there are people out there that try to milk every single second of their fifteen minutes of fame, but in this case I trust her and I am going to order her book from Amazon as soon as I post this blog.

Saying bye to Froggie

He lived for seven years. He has been dead for more than seven years. So much was her love for him, that she carried him with her from house to house, in a ziplock bag. He stayed in her freezer for more than seven years, and tomorrow he will be buried in a final resting place. No, this is not a thriller/mystery. It's a real life love story. He is a frog who was my friend's pet. She has finally found a place where she thinks he will be happy, because she is moving away from this area. I know it will be hard for her. I can't be there for his burial, but my dear friend, know I am there mourning Froggie along with you one last time. Froggie was fortunate to have you as a friend, so am I. I'll miss you dearly.